It’s the scenario every parent dreads…at a playgroup or play date your child displays aggressive behaviour to another; biting, hitting, kicking, pulling hair, scratching, pinching or snatching toys off others. Or maybe at the end of the day at nursery your child’s keyworker says, “can I have a little word…?”

This kind of behaviour is surprisingly common in toddlers as they learn how to get along and the social niceties we expect as adults. That’s not to say we should put up with it. Far from it, our role as parents and carers is to help teach little ones right and wrong, and help them learn how to behave so they can have great relationships with others as they get older.

Aggressive Behaviour To Other Children And Adults

Generally, when it occurs, we see this “aggressive” behaviour directed at other children, either their peers or younger children. But occasionally a child might be aggressive to an adult, which is just as tricky to deal with. At our nurseries we have procedures in place for tackling this kind of behaviour, but the first question we ask ourselves is “what is the reason for the child’s aggression?”

For many children it is simply part of growing up, learning to get on with others, managing their feelings and impulses, and often this is just a relatively short phase. However, sometimes there are specific reasons for this type behaviour and once identified it is much easier to help the child cope with their reactions to certain situations.

Why Are Some Children Aggressive?

There are all sorts of reasons that a child might lash out, and not just because they’re not getting their own way, here are some of the most common:

• Insecurity: From the arrival of a new sibling, to a house move or starting nursery, there are many factors that can upset a child. Children are sensitive little souls and can pick up on stress in the family even when you are trying to protect them from it.
• Attention Seeking: Closely related to insecurity, children who crave attention even if it’s the wrong sort of attention are generally looking for reassurance and to feel safe and secure.
• Frustration: Lack of communication skills, physical abilities or a need for more challenging activities can create frustration that results in physical acts. This might be caused by health issues, or just be a stage that resolves itself as part of normal development.
• Lack Of Good Role Models: Regrettably for some children those around them do not set a good example of appropriate behaviour. If you smack your child for doing something wrong, should you be surprised when they model this behaviour elsewhere?
• Health Issues: Children with a range of conditions may have a tendency to be aggressive. Mental health issues, autism, ADHD can all affect the way a child relates to others and the way they cope with the environment around them.
• Tiredness, Hunger etc.: If we’re overtired or hungry we can be a bit tetchy and so it’s no surprise that your child can be too. We often see behavioural changes in children when they drop a nap, especially if this has been forced on them by changes to their schedule; sometimes they’re just not quite ready.

How To Manage Aggressive Behaviour In Children

Consistency is the key to managing this kind of behaviour. Therefore everyone involved in the child’s care must agree to how these instances are dealt with. This includes “doting grandparents” and “daddy the softy”!

If your child is regularly attending nursery it’s a good idea to talk to staff there about how they manage poor behaviour and adopt their methods at home. It’s much easier for them to use the same methods consistently with all children at the nursery, than to have individual techniques for different children.

Here’s what we recommend:

Be A Great Role Model! Teach children how to manage their emotions and anger by modelling methods of dealing with these feelings yourself. Perhaps count to 10 when you’re feeling cross instead of shouting, and explain to your child why you are doing this.

Reward Good Behaviour: If you want your child to learn the difference between right and wrong then you need to reinforce good behaviour. Tell the child how proud you are of them when they have played nicely, or controlled themselves in difficult situations.

Reward Charts And Goals: Children need to understand what is expected of them and reward charts and treats can be part of this. In very basic terms explain what you want and don’t want to see from your child, and then devise a way of monitoring and rewarding good behaviour.

When Aggressive Behaviour Occurs: A simple “Stop, don’t kick / pinch / hit etc.” is better than a long explanation of where they’ve gone wrong. Don’t wait until the second or third incident until you respond, check the behaviour quickly.

Time Out: Time out can be very effective at home but unfortunately doesn’t lend itself so well to a nursery environment. However, removing a child from the activity to do something else can diffuse the situation and give them a chance to calm down and reflect on their actions.

Give Attention To The ‘Victim’: If the aggressive behaviour is attention seeking this can quickly be stopped by paying more attention to the child, or adult, on the receiving end – teaching the perpetrator that this type of behaviour will not be rewarded.

Talk To Them Once Tempers Have Cooled: Once the child has calmed down spend a little bit of time talking to them about their behaviour. Ask them how they were feeling, why they did what they did, try to see the situation from their point of view, then explain how their actions have impacted on others and why their behaviour is not acceptable. Suggest better ways they can deal with incidences than lashing out. For example, if another child takes a toy off them, they could tell an adult instead of pulling hair etc.

Ask Them To Apologise: Apologies are an effective way of reinstating the status quo and also basic manners. Where possible ask the child to apologise to whoever has been affected by their actions so they understand how to resolve conflicts themselves. However, this is only effective if the child has calmed down sufficiently and therefore sometimes apologies may have to wait.

The methods above are no quick fix, children who have got into the habit of retaliating in an aggressive way will need to relearn how to handle difficult situations and it won’t happen overnight. But by agreeing a process and sticking to it, you will see results.

Fortunately, most instances of aggression in toddlers are very short-lived and by the time they go to school they have a much better understanding of right and wrong. If you are concerned about your child’s behaviour speak to your keyworker at nursery or health visitor who can give you help and support.